Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Learning to Trust Through My Strategic Hot Mess Life

As Easter suddenly decided to appear out of nowhere and then passby in March, I've been seriously reflecting over the last two weeks  about what Easter means to me. Yes, i know, it's about Jesus' death on the cross and his resurrection three days later... but I've been reflecting on what that means to me as a 26 year old female, living in NYC, trying to figure out life and trying to figure out how to do this whole adult thing. In essence, what does the resurrection personally mean to me beyond the typical "He is risen and my sins are forgiven!" (which, don't get me wrong, is a fabulous thing).

And so i entered church on Sunday, excited for Easter sunday, but quite unsure in my heart. 

Then my pastor started his Easter sermon. He talked about Jesus on the cross, declaring before he died, "it is done".  Three days later He rose again. His death and resurrection is not only about forgiveness of sins and allowing us to have an intimate relationship with God, it is also to show us that we have nothing to be afraid of. That fear comes from the unknown, and the greatest unknown is death - which Jesus has already conquered. 

And though I've always known that, this Easter Sunday it was that much more meaningful because as a 26 year old, almost turning 27...life has seriously been scaring the shiet out of me. 

Let's be honest... 

i barely even know how to eat three meals a day. Doing laundry as often as i should? pffft. How does one have time for that? Grocery shopping and looking like an adult... no thanks, i'm still weaning myself off of ramen. And honestly if there's a choice between a meal and beer, i'm still grabbing the beer!

But if i can't do these things, how am i going to survive the rest of my life?! (These past few days i seriously considered how i wouldn't mind being an angsty highschool kid for the rest of my life if that meant mom and dad took care of me...womp). 

And this is just some of the easy stuff. 

What about my future career? Do I stay in my field, or is it too late to switch fields? Will I be happy doing what I do? Or am i going to wake up one day with this huge revelation that I've wasted trying to be someone when I could have been so much better at doing something else! 

And love? How do I know if i've met the right person to marry? I see hoards of my friends getting engaged/married.. Am I missing some kind of memo where this isn't scary one bit but it's fun and Pinterestfull?! 

And where will I end up living? Surely, not in NYC for the rest of my life?! and how does this impact my future decisions?? 

And the list goes on and on...

But seriously, i'm 26. When i was 10, i used to think i would have life figured out by now. Wait... is this normal??? jkjk.

But it has come to a point where i've felt a bit overwhelmed that while on the phone with my best friend, I told her that I'm seriously contemplating running away and hiding in a hole...Because obviously that's the most adult way to handle problems. Lololol 

But no, here I have a God telling me to not run away because all of my fears and confusion aren't anything I have to worry about. Trust in Him. Trust in Him who conquered the most fearful, unknowing thing- death. 

And so I left church with my life changed. JUST KIDDING. Hah! This ain't some magic. 

But I did leave thinking that I need to learn to trust better. 

So yes, my life is a mess. Not a super hot mess, but as Miley Cyrus says..

So for now, I'm learning to trust first. Because I know that if I learn to do that first, then everything else will fall into place- trust in not only my present situation but trust in my future relationships, trust in my future career, trust in where i'm going to be location wise, trust in other life-adult-decisions.

I know new year resolutions are supposed to start January 1st, but here's to my Easter resolution -- Learn to trust more in a God that hasn't and will not fail me. 

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