3 years, 2 months and 11 days of prayer and waiting

I quit my job 8 months ago in November 2018. But behind the photos of me traveling and drinking and living my best life, what most people don't know is that I have been waiting and praying for my new job for 38 months... To be exact, it's been 3 years 2 months and 11 days...That's 1167 days. Here's where 38 months of prayer has led me.

counting the number of months...weeks... days.

It was weird praying for a new job while having one that I worked so hard to get. My whole undergraduate and graduate years (yes, this is $300,000 worth of education) had been spent cultivating the right internships, the right classes, the right connections to lead me towards global health. And then, there I was, at the exact job I envisioned myself to be in, feeling unsure. It wasn't that I hated my job or my coworkers. In fact, it was the opposite and we were doing amazing things... But something was missing.

So without knowing what was missing, or what I was exactly looking for, on April 15, 2016 I started praying for my next job.

Basically me, for 3 + years.

Looking back on it now, I'm thankful I didn't get a new job the moment I felt slightly dissatisfied, because the truth is I didn't even know what I wanted.  I just maybe wanted something different. Jumping into a new job would have been fun, distracting, more pay (definitely more pay)... but ultimately, because I didn't know what I wanted or what I was good at, I would've still been dissatisfied.

So ... I waited for direction.
(To be honest, at the time I didn't know I was "waiting". I just ... was living my hot mess life, hoping that maybe becoming an instagram influencer was in the cards for me.)

What I secretly, really really wanted God to tell me to become. 

Then, in Dec 2016, right before Christmas, I prayed a weak-sauce one sentence prayer asking God if a career in UX design might be a good fit. But that was crazy because I was still in a mountain of student loan debt and just beginning my career in international health. What if I worked super hard to switch careers only to discover I didn't like it at all?  I decided to stick to what I had worked so hard to get to and for most of 2017, though I often prayed for this vague "next job", work became busy and thoughts of switching careers mostly faded.

But 10 months after that one-sentence prayer, God confirmed in a way that I could not deny that it was time I start making a career transition to UX design. *tis a longer story for later* 

This was the direction I had been waiting for the last 1.5 years.

So in YOLO moment #1 (yes, there are many YOLO moments in this story. I'm a hot mess.) I signed up for classes. Life literally became work, classes, travel for work, repeat. And the stress of work, on top of trying to learn new things in tech, on top of comparing my work to other people's work, on top of this feeling that you could never learn fast enough...  there were many nights of tears, self doubt and feeling inadequate.

like... WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST BEEN AN INSTAGRAM INFLUENCER?!

But one thing that God was SO good to me during this time was strategically bringing people in my life whenever I thought I was going to break. Whether that was someone else who had been through a career transition, introduction to other designers, opportunities to travel and get rest, amazing time with friends, or glimmers of hope here and there... His goodness is literally what sustained me and held me up.

In total, for 8 months, I worked on my portfolio, cried, went to work, finished my classes, cried, took on side projects to build my portfolio, went to work, cried, and in June 2018, I started slowly applying to jobs stateside... but of course with ZERO luck. Oof. Maybe this had all been a mistake?

ALL the jobs to me...

A month later I found myself sitting at a bar in Amsterdam for a work trip feeling completely overwhelmed and burnt out already by the whole process. What was I doing?! I felt like I was competing against 21 year olds who grabbed a computer on their way out of the birth canal. I was WAY in over my head. But in the middle of drinking wine to drown out my sorrows and the bartender who kept coming by to ask me if I was okay because I looked so pitiful... in the chaos of it all, I felt an undeserved, overwhelming since of peace and a small whisper inside that asked me one question -- "Do you not trust me enough to quit?"

So in YOLO moment #2, after praying for a new job for 2 years and 3 months, on July 21, 2018 at a bar in Amsterdam, I decided that maybe I should really start thinking about leaving my job.

Into unemployment??????!!!  

I wish in a holy moment of complete faith say that I was not scared to leave my steady paycheck, amazing healthcare, and apt in Manhattan overlooking the Statue of Liberty. But I can't. I was terrified. In fact, I was so terrified that at one point I even took up RUNNING. I NEVER run.

I also didn't jump into my God-given yolo moment and quit on the spot. Because hellooo.. maybe I had heard wrong?? I was drinking wine after all... So I had talks with people I trusted and knew would guide me well. At the end of the day, with all the reasons laid out to quit or to stay... I decided to take the leap to unemployment because even if I failed, I was still greatly loved by my family, friends, and God. To me, that is what ultimately mattered most. 

also maybe another reason to quit

And in YOLO moment #3 I decided I would start praying for a job in Amsterdam. As long as I had been praying for my "next job", I had also been praying that it would be in a city that I loved. I thought that was Manhattan... but over the year Amsterdam had become a city that I grew to really enjoy. So, while walking along the canals, I thought, "why not? Amsterdam seems kinda cool."

I finally jumped into FUNemployment in November. With basically no interviews in line, with a shitty portfolio (it's still kinda shitty), with a crazy desire to relocate to Amsterdam, I said see-ya-later to the life I had made in NYC for 4.5 years.

Is one ever just done with NYC? Never.

I originally didn't plan on traveling as much as I did. A month before I quit, I was vigorously searching for another job and attending ALL the networking events after work. Everyone was telling me I shouldn't have gaps in my resume and the Asian in me (and my parents) internally kept screaming ... "YOU NEED A JOB. HOW FUNCTION IN SOCIETY???"

But after much prayer... and running... and being burnt out...I started to wonder if God was actually asking me to enter into a period of rest. I was exhausted. So in YOLO moment #4, one month before I officially left my job, I completely stopped the job search. Instead, I bought plane tickets and planned my trip to Amsterdam, Austria, Korea, Japan and Malaysia. (I mean, also, who doesn't want to travel and not work??)

What it felt like to stop the job search...

By mid-January I completed MOST of my travels and settled in Seattle where I started the dreaded job search. I applied all over-- Amsterdam, New York, Seattle, SF..... even Atlanta. gasp. I told God I was willing to go anywhere. Beggars can't be choosers.

But through it all, my desire for Amsterdam kept growing. I knew that if I truly wanted Amsterdam, I would have to take another YOLO moment and go. So in desperation, I told God that I wanted to really try but I would have to feel some kind of urgency to take that jump. The reality of the situation is that I still had to think about my finances, visa sponsorship, and chances of being hired as an expat.

Like, do I go back to Amsterdam??

Thankfully I didn't have to wait long because the very next day, my friend who I stay with EVERY time I visit Amsterdam, messaged me that he would be leaving in June. If he left, I would have no one to stay with... This was the urgency I needed.

And the money for the trip? Well, apparently, if you quit your job you get dolla dolla bills back in your tax return. lololol

So in YOLO moment #5, I took a Hail Mary pass and bought a plane ticket to Amsterdam for 2 months. I figured I would take the time to network and apply to jobs.... And if nothing worked out, at least I drank good beers along the canals, gave it one last try, and could for certain put Amsterdam away for another season. But even before jumping into this crazy plan, I made sure to ask those who were important to me how they felt about this decision. Surprisingly, the very people I thought would be against it, were supportive.

drowning out the job search with beers? sounds good to me!

I arrived towards the end of April and began the rat race of networking and applying. I quickly learned that my age was a HUGE deterring factor to being hired. In the Netherlands, if you're an expat and 30 years old, you're required to be paid a base minimum salary. As someone who was career switching (they viewed me as a junior) and almost turning 30, most companies were simply unwilling to even give me a chance to interview, let alone pay me that salary... womp.

Me, asking this to every single recruiter and job.

I'm not going to lie, fear quickly set in by week 3. Did I read the situation wrong?? Or was this trip simply to affirm Amsterdam was a closed door and I should start looking into jobs Stateside?

Oh. My. God. Should I give up now and start drinking and just enjoy my last time living it up in Europe?!

And then one night, awakened by my anxiety and some drunk tourists outside my window,  I started to pray, "God??? You there??? Are you going to give me Amsterdam?! CAUSE I'M FREAKING OUT HERE." And just as I was drifting back off to sleep, I jerked back awake to an answer --  "Wait, and see all that I can do."

uh huh. interesting. So how long is the wait exactly??

WAIT?!?!?! FOR HOW LONG?!

Like... Sarah and Abraham waiting for a child long?! or like Jesus coming to Lazarus four days later long?! Cause ya know, I'm leaving June 12th back to NYC... Right?? But I had no choice. I would have to actively wait and see how it all played out (cause that's life yo).

Please. Don't let this be me...

And so during this time of "waiting", knowing full well the very things that limited me from being hired in the Netherlands, I began to make a list of specific asks that I personally would need/wanted to stay in Amsterdam. These asks included a minimum salary and visa sponsorship, but I also wanted a workplace that valued my previous experiences and didn't see me as a complete newbie (I found this to be quite difficult to find in a tech company.)

Long story short, from that day, God definitely made me wait. I thought that I would have one of those "and God showed up right at the last minute" stories. Like, right before I get on the plane I would get a call that I got a job, and that the fact that I randomly picked June 12th to come back to NYC was all some part of His divine story. But... no. I got on my flight back to NYC, in the middle of interviews with 2 companies and still no job offer. In fact, in God's own perfect timing, it took two more weeks and more rounds of interviews.

But He is good. Last week, after 3 years, 2 months and 11 days of prayer, I accepted an offer to be a UX designer. The company not only checks the boxes I needed to stay in the country, but it also fits the type of company I had envisioned to be in. And best of all? It saw value in my previous experiences.

Almost 1 year to the date that I felt God asking me to quit my job and placed a desire in me for Amsterdam, I will be returning there to start my new job.

Me, when I got my job.

To say that my 38 months of prayer have been rosy and amazing would be far from the truth. There are weeks (not even days) that I definitely doubted my self in terms of self-worth, ability, and intelligence. Since June 2018, I've applied to 102 jobs in 6 different cities.  To be told that my achievements and what I did before didn't really matter... it does things to one's pride that I don't wish on anyone.  

But through it all God is always good and faithful. I definitely had some rough days, but I was still able to experience joy (and seriously not go crazy) through it because of the hope and assurance that the way I am made, the experiences I have, are and were not in vain. So if you're struggling with a career change or finding a job, then I want you to know that the things you have done are important and they are part of your identity and story.

To be honest, I have no idea where my career might lead me. Maybe it will lead me to another career change, maybe I'll be a designer my whole life, maybe my calling will to be a trophy wife. But whatever is to come, I do know it will be good.

----
A special thank you to:
1. My family -- For dealing with me and helping me financially when I needed it, along with housing and feeding me.
2. Shane -- For allowing me to live in his Amsterdam house for 3 months of my unemployment. Seriously, without you, Amsterdam would never have been a thing. (and thank you too George...)
3. Levi -- For allowing me to be a squatter in his apt when I came back to NYC with NO plan and NO direction.
4. My Christian family -- For praying with me and for me faithfully the last 3 years (especially Stan and Annette who prayed for me the whole time and before each interview)
5. To Laura, Christine and Stella -- behind every great email is an army of women, but also for listening to every complaint and hot mess situation I was in.
6. My friends who are designers -- Thank you for sitting down with me, teaching me Sketch, looking over my portfolio, walking me through interviews. THANK YOU.